Age: 25-years old
Works as a: nanny
From: Southern California
When I first saw Katie, she was dressed like a boy and I figured she was mostly into women. Then she totally smashed apart my expectations.
While she does dress in more masculine clothes, it doesn’t mean that she’s mostly dating femenine women. In fact, her primary partner is a man.
Let’s dive in and she and I will explain a little more.
Katie moved to the Bay Area five years ago with an ex-boyfriend. But after a little while, she realized that the relationship wasn’t working for her. Or as she put it “I learned that really good sex doesn’t mean you’re in love with the person.”
So she broke up with that dude and started getting involved in the polyamorous community.
“I really didn’t want to be somebody’s everything,” she told me.
Then, around March of this year, she started experiment with “bending” her gender.
First she shaved part of her head — the gateway drug. By May, she had shaved the whole thing.
“Before that, I felt that to be a woman, I had to present myself as a woman. My ex-boyfriend always demanded that I wax and would tease me about how much hair I had if I didn’t. But after that point I stopped shaving my legs, armpits and vagina.”
Whereas many women fear this kind of thing would be the beginning of a feminine identity crisis, the opposite was true for Katie in a lot of ways.
“I felt for the first time that I can be sexy and great without changing anything about myself.”
Katie said that since she made that change, she gets way fewer messages on the dating site OkCupid.
“Once I shaved my head, I didn’t really get hit on by men anymore. Men assume I’m a lesbian. Before, I was getting about four messages a day on OkCupid. Now I get one a week. It’s a breath of fresh air. Now I know the people who message me are actually interested in me. It’s not fair the way feminine-looking women get treated by men.”
“My idea of what it is to be a woman is different now. I feel like being a woman is about challenging stereotypes and to encourage men. As a man you’re never allowed to cry, to feel, to experience deep emotions — because they fear it will make them gay. A man who is freer with his emotions and dresses like a woman is not less of a man.
And the next step in feeling HELLA sexy in her skin? Katie started seeing a therapist, who encouraged her to “date herself.”
“She started asking me, ‘Do you cook dinner for yourself?’ And at first I was like, no… why would I do that? And she told me, ‘You have to treat yourself the way you would treat anyone else (who you would date) — but better.'”
So Katie started treating herself like her own “primary partner,” and going to polyamorous “play parties,” where people who might be DTF (or not!) mingle and hang out.
“Now I feel like it’s my duty to convert every monogomous person to non monogamy,” she said.
Then Katie met her current boyfriend James. She and James have what she calls a really “fluid” sexual connection. They switch off roles in terms of who is being more dominate, which Katie said she loves.
Again, those who judge at first sight should beware. Katie may not look like a girly girl, but she totally loves the D. At least, the D that belongs to her beloved.
“It feels authentic. It feels like I’m allowed to be my true self with him,” she said.
But… wait for it… James also has another girlfriend. Adorably, all three are featured together in Katie’s Facebook profile picture. Katie said she even told her mom recently that she’s been thinking about all three of them raising a kid together if they decide to have one.
As a nanny, Katie said, she actually knows how much work goes into raising a kid and she thinks two is not enough.
“Up until four or five years ago, I wanted to have kids and be a stay-at-home mom. But now, if I have a kid, I want a tribe to help raise that kid,” she told me. “I don’t want to have a kid with two people. I want to go out on dates and have sex and have selfish me time.”
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